Thursday, July 06, 2006

Forced Into Early Retirement

After careful thought and pouting I have come to the painful but bitter decision that I will not return to OPR VI as “Jimmy Jam The Music Man.” OPR V was on track for the best roast of all-time and was ruined by some gutless, pathetic, abused as a child, didn’t get enough toys cause his mommy was out whoring, retarded, good for nothing.

If the person that stole my ipod reads this I challenge you to a dual, keep the ipod, I just want to fight you, and please I beg you. I’ll even buy you another ipod and I’ll give you the mixer, just let me beat the living shit out of you. I challenge anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning I purchased my third ipod and it is the third most expensive ipod in the world. The dot nerds at apple contacted me and asked if I would like to be apart of their secure ipod program and naturally I said “hell yes” At first they tried to give me “THE RAZOR IPOD” which is and ipod that would shoot razor blades into the eyes of anyone who touches it besides myself, but then I thought of the pig roast and Pat Shea. His intentions aren’t to steal the ipod, he just thinks he is a good dj and doesn’t listen to what people tell him, like “get the fuck off the front porch.” FOR FOUR YEARS IN A ROW. So, no razor blades, but the shock ipod might work for him.

Next we have “THE WT IPOD” this one yells out screaming “white trash, white trash.” When anyone from the white trash decent picks up the ipod it goes into a fit of rage. The only reason I bring this up is because of the extra hint of WT this year at the pig roast.

Then came my favorite “THE BLACK MAMBA IPOD.” This ipod is filled with poisonous venom that detects balless faggots and injects them. Then it calls me on my cell phone so I can hear the miserable bastard die a cold death.

I bought all three, because I am a sick bastard, but this event has taught me something. That you can only trust yourself and I’m sick and tired and done with being generous. I will continue to be a corporate sponsor, in which Brad, Seth and Ed so graciously relieved me of this year, and I thank you. Long live the OPR!!!!


Ps Was this long enough andy the brit.


  1. Early retirement? Say it ain't so! Who else is going to give us the annual latenight dose of Tool?

    Next year's DJ is going to have big shoes to fill - big, flat shoes.

  2. Hey Slim,

    sorry to hear about your IPod but I am glad to know that you are developing new forms of torture. Someone defintely has it coming to them huh. going to the suvior party?

  3. Fuck yes he's going to the survivor's party. He got no fucking choice. Trustees are manditory. On the iPod front, I have decided to take the blame for the iPod. If what Jim said is true and I get TWO iPods AND the mixer and all I have to do is take a beating from Jim it sounds like a good deal. I don't have an iPod yet and Jim hits like a girl.

    P.S.- Should the true thief be discovered, Jim is only one in a series of problems this person has coming. Nobody disrespects the OPR or it's family. There must be respect for this thing of ours.

  4. Best quote ever:

    "Next year's DJ is going to have big shoes to fill - big, flat shoes"

  5. No one else is even capable of bringing the beefwagon speaker set... I'm thinking Vince Vaughn Speaker City style from Old School. For real... your the only one who can bring the beef!

  6. By the way Nice use of the colored fonts!