Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Take a F*cking Cab... Part Duex

This weekend is apparantly another of the infamous "no refusal weekends". Basically, if you refuse a breath test you will be taken to a hospital where a judge will sign a warrant for your blood. Yes, this is (shockingly) legal, and yes we are in America. Deal with it and DONT DRINK AND DRIVE THIS WEEKEND! This "weekend" includes tonight, where I will be happily walking to Byrnes.

A while ago, I posted an article re: the cost of a typical 1st time OVI. Read it again here. In this installment we will cover "OVI/DUI Numero 2", an increasingly popular topic this week. This is timely because, in the last two weeks I have gotten the following: a 3rd time offender in a six year span, three second OVI offenders, a guy who blew a .328 (that is near passout) and had a prior DUI knocked down, and a college student who hit a telephone pole and blew a .181. Gonna be a great Christmas.

So you potential multi-OVI offenders (oh, I KNOW it'll never happen to you) here is the skinny:

FIRST: I just had a lunch with a prosecutor where he said he would rather lose the case then cave to somebody with a prior. Soooo, that means (1) higher legal fees, (2) longer without a license or priviledges (a lot of judges wont give priviledges to prior offenders, including "knockdowns", until the case is resolved), and (3) a judge who realizes you are a scumbag.

So lets say you are convicted.... Im good at my job, but sometimes your mistakes outweigh my legal ability. In full disclosure, I have not had a client have to take a second OVI yet. Of course, one girl got off because the arresting testing officer was fired for "getting off her Sergeant" 5 days before trial. Good thing, my client had blown a .28...

JAIL TIME: A mandatory 10 day minimum or 20 day minimum with a refusal or high test. Psssttt.... Thats consecutive days not weekends, so have fun losing your job. So go on and refuse, like you probably should, and now twenty days is the "starting point". And now minimums are less likely, as I cant just tell the judge how this is a one-time mistake and you are really saint. Up to 6 months maximum.

FINES: $500 < x < $1625. If you cant figure out what this means, please dont drive tonight regardless.

SUSPENSION: 1 to 5 years (and they dont have to give privileges, even if they do, see below). Have fun holding on to that job.

PARTY PLATES: Mandatory, have that daily reminder to your friends, family, clients, and police, that you were too stupid to take a cab.

INTERLOCK: aka that "driving-blowy thingy"... Mandatory. Cost several hundred dollars to set up, and a monthly fee for the length of your suspension. Drive down the street, pull up next to a hot female (or whatever you're into), give her a big smile, she winks back (she cant see your party plates), and just as she is unrolling the window (BEEP...BEEP) you've gotta blow in your Interlock. She screeches away in horror.

VEH. IMMOBILIZATION: 90 days. This is fun, it sits in impound at $12 a day, or you can have it removed, and clubbed at your house. Another daily reminder that you are an idiot.

TREATMENT: Alcohol treatment/assessment is Mandatory. Now your first assessment on OVI #1 probably said no further treatment necessary, this one most likely wont.

At a minimum, you'll probably get extensive outpatient which translates to - 3 hours a day, 3 days a week, for at least 6 weeks. See, I know you dont have a drinking problem, so do all your drinking buddies, but a Court or counselor seems to think 2 OVIs in a 6 year span constitutes a problem (the nerve). Thats because the stats show the typical OVI offender drives intoxicated EIGHTY TIMES A YEAR. They, and me, and you, and all sane indviduals, know this isnt your first time. So off to treatment! Whew... gonna need a drink after all this.

PROBATION: This time your gonna get it, its gonna be reporting, and your gonna have to pee in a cup. Make sure to wash your hands afterwards cuz you had asparagus last night. Don't go out boozing the night before a morning meeting either, cuz you'll probably register a BAC, thats a probation violation.

LEGAL FEES: Again, you have at least one friend who is a lawyer, but I have standards. So minimum $2500, not including a trial. If you have read this article and get pulled over this weekend add a +$1500 A**hole surcharge.

So lets say you think I just dont cut it for some reason (Im actually a steal at that rate), or you blame me for your first conviction (whatever gets you through the day), etc. So now you want to hire the "Cadillac" of attorneys, Bill Meeks or Sam Shamansky or Brad Koeffel... 5K minimum. You heard they got so and so off and he like ran over an entire burning orphanage. Trust me, they are GREAT attorneys, will bust their ass for you, and you pay accordingly. I hope to be a household name for OVIs someday like them and am taking the appropriate steps to do so. Make sure you realize that, like me, they cant (and dont) guarentee results. Dont pay, TAKE A F*CKING CAB.

By the way, a note on me letting you slow pay or pay later... That is ceasing. Its odd how when you let a friend slow pay cuz they "dont have the money", they get arrested again and hire the Caddy and can pay them on the spot. Odd... Real attorneys want money up front, and Im a real attorney, working FOR even realer ones. You not paying makes me look bad... real bad. Im already cutting you a break on fees, so just pay me up front. Ok... Ok... Ok... at least spin me a convincing yarn and I wont be such a stickler. I have some heart, just not as much.

BEST CASE: So they, or I, get you off or knocked down so all is rosy? Not so fast my friend. You probably refused, so that is automatic 2 year license suspension, 90 days until priv., car impoundment, and optional plates/interlock. What option do you think the judge is going to choose? This is all even if you arent convicted. So you are out at least 5K, cant drive for 90 regardless.

If we knock it down, you are probably still doing at least a weekend in jail, and paying big fines.

CONCLUSION: I am good at defending these cases, and the results above can potentially be (and usually are) avoided with the hiring of competant counsel. And if you have a problem call me (614) 255-5441 or on my cell(which is going to be on all weekend). However, nothing is for certain, and as you will find out the whole system is set up to punish you and make you do what you shoulda done that (2nd) fateful evening.... TAKE A F*CKING CAB!


  1. OVI penalties were recently increased effective 9/1/2008. Restricted license plates (party plates) are now mandatory on a first in time high tier (BAC > .17). Witten, do you remember the time we saw the car going about 1 mph with party plates backing out of a White Castle parking space at about 3am? Talk about probable cause...

  2. I'm trying another approach; not drinking. It seemed like a crazy idea at first, but it wasn't long before I didn't think too much about alcohol. I saw this bbc documentary the other day which cracked me up. Its called "should I smoke dope". This woman reporter who never smoked pot went to Amsterdam to research it as something totally new to her. One of the tests she did was driving while stoned, then drunk the next day. The test: get up to 70 mph and swerve around an obstacle and stop. On pot, she got to about 30 miles per hour and slowly stopped before she even got to the obstacle that she was supposed to swerve around. The next day she drank a bottle of wine, got up to 85 and smashed into the obstacle. Hooray for laws!