As one of the older members of our blogging community I feel it is sometimes my duty to impart little pearls of wisdom upon you all. After all, should we not use these technological advancements to better ourselves and the world? Today's lesson revolves around not dipping one's pen into the corporate ink. Allow me to explain.
Last night was a birthday for a lass here at work. It was also the leaving party for two others. A large group of us were out on the lash, having fun. As the night progressed my own eyesight, along with my colleges, began to deteriote and beer glasses were required. As I said, Uncle Andy has taken a vow of celibacy when it comes to the ladies at work for professional reasons. Nothing to do with the fact that 99% of them are absolute fookin' munters. Anyway, apparently this isn't a two way agreement and one little munter named Helen (ginger munter too!) made a play for me. Here's the skinny.
We decided to share a cab as she lives in Gosforth, on the way to mine, thus we can split the costs. On the way she asked where in Gosforth I lived. I said I didn't’t. I lived in Killingworth, but Gosforth is on the way and so I thought we could share a cab and then I’d also know she got home safely. Apparently this gentlemanly gesture made her wetter than a flash flood. She told me not to go ‘all the way’ back to Killy ... I could crash at hers. I told her it was alright, I didn’t mind going home. She then ignored me and told the driver not to take me there. I was now attempting to let the driver know I didn’t want anything to do with this munter through men’s secret language….subtle changes in voice tone, a look in the rear view mirror, terror on my face. The bloke started laughing! He f-ing laughed at me when what I needed was some male camaraderie!
Anyway, we get to hers and she’s still on about it. I’m still insisting not. She gets out the cab (one of those big mini vans with a slidey door) and on her way past (to get out on MY side, when hers is fine!) I think, not sure here, she tried to plant one on me. I did something really cool like pretend not to notice and move me head away at the same time….you know, make her think it was just unfortunate circumstance or something. Close one that one!
I’d just gotten over that one when she pulled a surprise manoeuvre. Picture the scene. I’m in the left hand side of the back seat. She’d just climbed over me and out the door. I’d turned my head left to look out the open door. She then pulled a move for which I have to give her credit. She’d read my head turn and turned it against me! I was vulnerable, looking out the door….she spun around and leaned in for goodnighter!!!!! I was caught open, naïve, defenceless….what could I do??? No simple head turn could protect me from this onslaught. I needed something drastic here…I needn’t have worried. Despite the alcohol, the balmy summer night air, and the fact my balls are fuller than Ed Hastie's wallet… intuition kicked in. I did a bum shift!! I slide me arse right across that back seat to the other side of the fookin van!! Get in!! TAKE THAT BITCH!!
By now the driver realised I was in trouble and that was my bag of tricks empty. Despite his earlier failings he made up valiantly by putting it in reverse and getting that little shift backwards a car does when reverse engages…..it wasn’t much, the van basically only shifted onto its back haunches … but it was enough. She reeled backwards from that one like Tyson from a can of mace. I had one last heroic action I had to do. With no regard for my own personal safety I leant forward, putting myself to within just inches of her….and closed the door.
We were safe and off. The driver and I breathed a sigh of releif and he commended me on my choice to go home alone. this girl is rank ugly!
Today it's tense, she's not talking to me. Imagine how she'd have been if i'd ragged-bagged-and-shagged her and puked on her back!
Here endeth the lesson.
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